Trigger warning: pregnancy, miscarriage. Valentine's Day is always a funny day for me. Lots of people send me messages to compliment me on "my day". Today it wasn't any different. Nevertheless, today feels very sour to me. I am currently single, which isn't the origin of my discomfort. Today, returning home, I saw many men on the subway and on the bus carrying flowers, pastries, and gifts. This is not at all bad, it's super cute, yet it does put me in a very self-reflective mindset. It makes me immediately think of my last Valentine's Day. Most likely the worst I've ever had. I escaped to London, to be with my best friend since my then-partner decided to spend that particular time of the year in Asia with a friend. I was not invited to that trip and I understood that he wanted to go on a trip with his friend. "I also will want to travel with my friends, at times", I thought to myself. Did I wish I was invited? Yes, obviously. But there I went, "It's all good! I get it!". The second "inconvenience" of it all: I was then pregnant. I did not know, and neither did he. It wasn't really an accident. We had been talking about having kids since the very beginning. We seemed to be on the same page about it. However, all those hormones got me spinning real bad. My insecurities were ten times worse. I was feeling depressed, constantly anxious, nauseous and my breasts hurt like never before. I felt so weird I decided to take the test even though I believed "getting pregnant doesn't happen easily! People try for months, it must be something else". And here comes the third and worst inconvenience of my last Valentine's Day: out of my insecurities, I decided to check his Tinder profile and he was "looking for: casual, open to serious". Not even mentioning the fact that he was in an open relationship with someone - who might be pregnant, by the way.
(Just to be straightforward, this is unethical to its core. Sparing someone from making an informed decision, just to get your dopamine boost from a match is selfish to the people on the other side of the screen. Not to mention the partner, obviously. Don't do this).
I felt disrespected, awful, erased, neglected. After an argument, he said he understood and it was fair that I asked, but I didn't have to be that reactive in the first place.
I got zero phone calls and I was hoping that he didn't happen to fall in love with one of the two girls he and his best friend were hanging out with, every single day during the trip.
It was full-on pain. Mental, physical, everything.
I could then just say, what a horrible person he was, shame on him, and conclude this post here. But no, not really. This is where I'm just starting!
He obviously has emotional limitations and I know it - and he knows it too. It doesn't erase the poor choices he's made BUT the point I want to get to is: how did I get there in the first place?? How come I didn't leave him way earlier (and trust me, he made it easy)? I have no control over his actions, but I have over mine, or at least I should have, right?
And here is exactly what we need to look at. Where was my autonomy then? Where was my self-love?
And I have two main answers to those questions:
-I was 36 and 37 at that point, and I felt like there was no time left for me to pick better partners if I wanted to build a family and get pregnant, etc. I wanted that, he wanted that, we had similar family goals, that's it. Deal!
But there is another aspect that I want to develop today:
-Playing cool.
In the past months, I revisited my childhood, my values, and the things I was told when raised by both my parents, and also society. I concluded something (ultimately) sad: I was raised to deny love, to deny romance, to put my career first.
In the generations before mine, women were raised to be good wives and that was a bit too much, I get it! I am all about feminism and women's rights and I would never want to live anytime in the past as a woman. But the countereffect of this has made me a tough independent, and adventurous woman who NEVER admitted to herself she wanted love and romance. I played cool and I believed in my own game - which is probably the worst part.
I spent the past months telling my closest friends "the miscarriage did not affect me; I was only aware of the pregnancy for a few days, therefore, I didn't have the time to really create expectations". But truth be told, to this day, when I talk about it, I burst into tears. I write this while I cry, and wonder if that will be the only time I will be pregnant in life. I might never have the opportunity to fully live this experience.
And my current work in process is to be at peace with that fact.
It's sour, it's not about him. It's about me, it's about my own choices, and my limitations.
And how I learned to erase myself not only for others but also to myself.
All I cared about was to live all the craziest experiences, and don't get me wrong, I am SO GRATEFUL for everything I lived, but I underestimated how much I cared about romance and love. "I don't care about Valentine's Day, it's a commercial date, nonetheless!" I underestimated how this was such an important aspect of life (for me).
I am SO AFRAID I will do the same next time I fall in love, just out of habit. Out of not being able to really hear my own heart.
People often tell me they admire me, and that I am so free, but I might be lacking one of the things I want the most in life. I might have, until now, lived on the illusion that having the dream job would make me the happiest. "People come and go... and no one can be fully trusted anyways".
So yeah, if someone is bringing you flowers today, enjoy! Be cheesy! Do it! Propose, go on romantic trips to Venice, take beautiful couple photos together, do it all!! Having someone you love next to you every morning should never be taken for granted and it's great to show them affection! I wish I had done more of it myself! I spent my whole life underestimating many emotions in order to "not get hurt in case it doesn't work out".
Spoiler: it does not work.
Happy Valentine's Day!
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