I just read this blog post from pretty much a year ago.
Even though nothing has changed in terms of my perspective on falling in love and infatuation, DAMN, I had no clue 2021 would actually be harsher than 2020.
The whole "feeling infatuated over several men" (as described in the first text) was far from happening, last year. 2021 was so much worse, and I barely had the mental energy to simply exist.
So, by the end of the year, I gave myself a break in Brazil with my family, friends, and loved ones. Including a whole month in São Paulo with some of my favorite people in life.
That said, one of the characters I had a temporary infatuation with, in 2020, decided to travel to Brazil and we finally met in person.
This person genuinely interests me and we’ve been chatting online for about two years now.
However, I’ve learned in therapy: we only get to know someone from their actions, not their words. So I was very curious about our interactions and impressions.
Having him around for a week was an interesting experience.
From “I’m definitely infatuated... Maybe finally in love again?” To “I don’t think I can stand this person”.
This spectrum is beautiful. I can finally see people for who they are and not for who I want them to be. I used to ignore all things I didn't like about a person, back in the day. Projecting and hoping they would fill the role I wanted them to fill. Almost like every time I met someone new I was auditioning them for a character role and checking if they could be who I "needed" them to be. For that, I would need to ignore a lot of things and hope they would adapt appropriately (and that is bound to fail, my friends). About this new guy, at this point, I can barely have an idea of who he really is. It's nice to have a human perspective of, well, a human being. It’s beautiful to see how I’ve grown emotionally. Kudos to my therapist.
I like this person. A lot. But I don’t know him much therefore, I can't say I'm IN LOVE (such an intense expression you guys have in English!) I’m infatuated, yes, a bit. It will last a few days, maybe weeks. But it comes with lightness. “Cause I, I’m in love, with my future” (My Future - Billie Eilish, you should listen to this track!). You see, I just had a month in São Paulo, the city I come from.
I finally have a social life! I can finally think about my plans (the ones I had to put on hold two years ago). I got covid, and I felt like a massive weight came out of my shoulders (It seems like vaccines actually work, who would have known?!? - Sarcasm).
Things are moving. Fast. Just like I like them to move.
I’m independent, I have the best friends one could have, my family is awesome (Valentina, don’t cry, you’re at a coffee shop). I have little money now, but big resources. I’m so fucking happy. I’m so fucking grateful. Life is good again. Far from ideal but I have perspectives. I’m excited!
I can feel again, I can like someone in a realistic way (unprecedented!). I can tell I feel infatuation over their lightness, charisma, pragmatism, and damn beautiful smile. But it feels light... as a fun sparkle to life, after so many years. I'm optimistic, I feel like I could fall in love again, one day. Maybe not with this man, not sure life will geographically push us together again, but I don’t mind whatever happens. I trust everything will be beautiful nonetheless. If anything, he seems like a great friend to have. And I will love to see him if ever we're around each other again.
Realistically, when you're nonmonogamous, things feel much lighter, because there's always an open door as long as that's everyone's intention (or none of the involved are monogamous... that could be an issue).
I have no urge to run for him, nor to anyone else. I am the center of my life, since 2019. My partners and lovers are satellites, just like I hope I can be for them.
The universe will bring them closer, farther, retrograde... I welcome and trust that motion. I don't need anyone and no one needs me. We are humans and each one has a different history, baggage, culture, background.
Maybe one of those satellites will come along to build things together such as family dynamics, kids, and whatnot.
But you know what? Not the type of thing I feel like forcing. Once again: I'm trusting the process. Things should happen naturally and lightly, or else I'm just not into that.
Meanwhile, I'll be going for my own dreams and experiences, and sharing those with some people along the way, and maybe you too, fellow reader.