I was always fascinated by taboo. Born and raised in Brazil, the first daughter of a Roman artist and a young Brazilian musician and photographer, I was “one of the lucky ones”. Educated in a progressive school, critical thinking was one of the main qualities of our elementary years, and no shit, we all turned out to be artists, writers, progressive teachers, actors, musicians, etc. I guess though, I ended up being the only sex worker in that group - and as shocking as it might sound, at the age of 34, I have a WhatsApp group with over 40 of those school colleagues, in which all of us, it seems, had a great pleasure to revisit school moments together, online. A few of us, across the oceans, in different continents, which is my case, currently living in Canada.
Critical thinking led me to frequently think about taboo subjects, often with a very judgemental view which, mainly, I heritage from my parents, and later on, demystified in psychoanalysis - I might mention this word often in my texts, I’m the Freudian type, and please, before turning up your noses by Freud’s sexism and misogyny - which I acknowledge, but come on, other times! - try and open up to the great concepts he brought to life.
Annihilating my moral conservatism took years and some circumstantial encouragement. I needed to see myself with no other alternative but to create an account on a sex website to start my new career as a cam model in order to pay bills and survive.
That platform offered a special session called Friends and Romance, where models were not supposed to get naked or have sexual interactions with the costumers. I gotta be honest, though, most of the clients would enter my chatroom with their webcams pointing to their very aroused dicks. The big attraction for that type of costumer was to be able to convince the model to get naked, or give a peek of something she was not supposed to, it seems. But, for cam models, time is money, if you wanna spend your time (and money) trying to play my mind, be my guest!
The exercise of that profession combined with my therapy sessions resulted in me, slowly letting go of my own walls and judgement - I could absolutely talk about my camming experiences right now, but I’ll leave this to another moment since it deserves attention and there’s SO much to talk about!
The time I spent talking to random strangers, masturbating to my face and dressed body, not only paid my bills but opened my mind considerably, I learned to have empathy for those strangers, I connected to them and those strangers weren’t necessarily strangers anymore.
Having the capacity to seduce another person by talking to them (dressed!) and being able to read them, to the point that you know the right buttons to push, gives you a satisfying sense of power. Fun fact: feeling powerful makes me horny (does it happen to you as well??). Seeing how you get to tease someone and play with their minds and give them pleasure, uplifts your self-esteem and gets you in the game. After a few months, I realised I was ready to get to the fully sexual session of the platform. At that point, I was already openly a cam girl to some of my friends and my main concern was: and what if my private shows end up on a streaming porn website?! What if my friends -and worse, family!- get to find out about my sexual career? How is it gonna be if my Brazilian (which is a very conservative and judgemental country, contrary to popular opinion) friends see my very vagina being penetrated by a realistic dildo while I talk about some weird-ass fetishes to a random person? How to cope with so much judgement over adult people making harmless use of their own sexual creativity on a consensual interaction on a payed platform? How to make people understand that this job has actually led me to self-awareness, and open-mindedness? I was happier. I found light in something I once judged as immoral. Camming got me to embrace my own sexual desires, try new experiences, be more creative, and to fall in love with psychology and sexuality.
A new version of me was born: an upgraded and happier version, Valentina Fellina.
I was not ashamed of who I was, therefore, I had no interest in hiding what I was doing. I wanted everyone to know it from ME. The idea of people gossiping about my new profession as if it was some sort of secret that I was ashamed of, was way more disturbing than the idea of them actually learning about it and judging me behind my back. I was afraid people would mistake me for a miserable victim that acts out of despair and subordinates to such “immoral” activities for the money. I was proud of the new me and I rather face judgement than have people think I’m embarrassed for being who I am!
I was happily choosing to be a sex worker, even when I no longer needed to do that for money.
I was choosing to be naked in front of a webcam, performing sex for people, I was choosing to do so because I loved that experience and it has enriched me as a human being, as well as it has made my clients amuse themselves and explore their deepest desires - some which they have never felt comfortable sharing to anyone else, not even their partners. I wouldn’t stop myself from doing something I deeply desired because of fear of gossips and judgement. I decided to openly talk about it and I naturally told my family, when the subject came up.
There was no secret anymore, hence no fear.
The following months and years I enjoyed my work and online interactions with costumers, learned a lot about fetishes, sexuality, human behaviour, empathy, and ultimately, a lot about myself. Turning into a sex worker, was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Not long after, I start my journey as a stripper, but that deserves another text...
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