The last time I fell in love was in the very first days of 2016. It's been almost five years at this point.
Maybe that sounds "normal" to you; perhaps it sounds like forever.
You see, I have no opinion about it anymore. I feel ambiguous about falling in love in the first place. What does that even mean?
I was what we call a serial monogamist, maybe a bit of a consistent one, since I had long-ass monogamous relationships in the past (and I never cheated on my partners). But my heart would jump from one's hands to someone else's hands in a heartbeat (pun not intended). Five years in love with someone, but the minute it isn't working anymore, I open space for a new person: the role is already filled. At some point, already a few years down in psychoanalysis sessions, I would call my emotions "the parcel" from the Pass The Parcel game (on the subject of psychoanalysis: it has been life-changing to me).
At this point of my life, I have a good idea of WHY I was a serial monogamist and why I would fall for the people I did, but that being said, once I understood the reasons behind it, things have heavily switched for me.
I went from a hopeless romantic soul to a "machine", as once a friend-with-benefits called me.
After my last relationship, I always feared "falling in love". I knew it was simply a projection. You can't fall in love right away with someone you don't know, simply because you don't know them. Therefore, if that happens, you are just projecting something onto this person. The same goes the other way around. If anyone falls in love with you right away, they are not in love with the real you. It might sound cold *af*, you might disagree (fair enough, I won't try and convince you about it because it would take me a TED talk to elaborate), but this is where I stand.
Even though we all refer to it as "falling in love", I now know that is mere infatuation.
Infatuation: that rock-solid fantasy you have about love (maybe even since childhood) quickly projected onto someone else whenever one presents the "right" aspects for that.
Ever since those understandings, it's been disappointing. Boring. C'est plate!
In support of my theories, there's 2020— the apocalypse.
I lost my job at the club, which I absolutely loved. I had all my plans suddenly transformed, put on hold. I never planned on spending seven months in Brazil, but I got stuck there because of the pandemic. Note: I was locked home for SIX months (with the only exception for groceries twice a month), WITH MY MOM, whom I haven't lived with since 2004.
Living for six months in that type of a lockdown has really played with my head. No plans, no dreams, no perspectives, and SUDDENLY: infatuation all over the place.
I was infatuated with several people, on and off. Sometimes it would last a day, sometimes a couple of weeks. I was dead bored and needed something to dream about. I have projected onto all types of men that passed throughout my life. Also: being locked with my mom, got me craving some masculine energy, and I've never been so disconnected from my attraction to feminine energy - in case you're not aware of my bisexuality.
Nonetheless, the simple knowledge of why and how those butterflies get to my stomach makes them fly away as fast as they got there.
I'm always curious if I'll ever be able to feel a long-lasting infatuation and then make it turn into real love, or to FALL IN LOVE slowly in a genuine way.
I wish to. Maybe when I have a career, social life (!!!), goals, work, dreams, and none of them is a relationship per se. I believe it's possible. Even if at the top of my "machine" status, all I got was some cheap my-life-feels-empty-and-this-is-better-than-nothing kinda infatuation(s).
It's hard to have healthy relationships when your life feels like it's falling apart.
Finally, that real love for sure can't happen in 2020, when the tiniest dose of dopamine takes the main role of my life for a few days or weeks.
2021, I welcome you. I hope you're smoother to all of us. We are all hurt and will have some hardcore PTSD from our past toxic relationship: 2020.
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